He’s the purple James Brown and gave Michael Jackson a run for his money for King of Pop. But Prince wasn’t as successful on the silver screen as he was the turntable. Prince’s output of movies seemed seminal in the 80s, but is laughable now. Come with me and find out why doves really cry.

Experiment Volume 12: Prince-Tastic!

The cinematic workings of Prince.

Purple Rain (1984)

The big daddy of Prince flicks. This semi-autobiographical pic pits The Kid (Prince, duh) and his band The Revolution against the show stealing Morris Day and the Time. Both bands play at the legendary 1st Street club in Minneapolis and go head to head in a series of musical duels for supremacy. Prince is, predictably, weird and trying to fall in love with Apollonia, who Day also wants. What a shocker.

Like I said, Morris Day, the Time and Day’s man-servant (That’s his title folks, I didn’t make that one up) Jerome steal the entire movie. Day plays himself so gay that he has to be the mackest player in the Twin Cities since Kirby Puckett. Every line is a ridiculous gem and every song the band plays is a party.

However, as you could have guessed, Prince wins. And in the finale—“When Doves Cry,” The Purple Wonder pulls out his secret weapon. Purple platform shoes, you ask? Rad 80s dance moves that Morris Day can’t hack, you think? Nope, it’s the one-and-only ejaculating guitar trick. Proving Prince is so damn sexy even his guitar blows its load.

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Under the Cherry Moon (1986)

Prince takes a leap here by writing and directing. And it looks like Prince wrote and directed.

On the outside it’s a black-and-white gigolo movie where Prince and Jerome (Yup, Morris Day’s Man-Servant) are playboys picking up babes in the south of France. But in reality it’s some sort of homo-erotic buddy pic. If you don’t believe me, check out the scene where Jerome helps Prince bathe.

Just like before, Prince is trying to bed a dream girl, but circumstances won’t allow. An hour-and-a-half later, justice prevails and Prince wins—another shocker.

But in between the credits is one of the most embarrassing things Prince did until he wrote SLAVE all over his little face. The dialogue is hilarious, but totally serious. This has to go down as one of the all-time biggest ego trip movies ever produced.

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Graffiti Bridge (1990)

Nope, I was wrong. THIS is the biggest ego trip movie of all time.

Somehow, someone in Hollywood said it was a good idea to make a sequel to “Purple Rain.” But somehow they let Prince write and direct, again. Did an entire movie studio fail to see what happens when you do that (See: “Under the Cherry Moon,” duh.).

Looking like it was shot on the set of Sesame Street after dark, GB takes off and crashes immediately. Not even guest spots by George Clinton and soon to be Where Are They Now-er Tevin Campbell. This time around Prince and Morris Day each own their own clubs. They decide that (God only knows why) they can’t both have a club and decide to face off again.  

Yeah, there’s a girl at stake and both want her. But she’s not as pretty as Apollonia and her character isn’t nearly as interesting. And yeah, they both attempt to rock out, but opposed to “Purple Rain” where Prince was in his schitzo James Brown faze and the Time were a coked-up 80s party machine, this time Prince is doing some half-purple-assed attempt at gospel and the Time fumble through rapping.

The highlight is, again, the finale. But this time Morris Day gets the upper hand by performing in the street on a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade-type float that looks like a frying pan over a flame.

It’s so bad it’s good. Just like all of Prince’s movies, they are ego-driven vehicles that are so serious they are hilarious. These flicks are truly why doves cry.

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More NetfliXperiments:
Netflix has thousands of films to rent. I try to squeeze in as many films as I can since I pay a monthly fee. I skip the junk you can rent at Blockbuster and go straight to the sublime, irreverent and just plain weird you can’t find anywhere else. Consider me your trash man and treasure hunter as we experiment with movies we never knew existed.

· NetfliXperiments Volume 11: Halloween Spooktacular.
· NetfliXperiments Volume 10: Three Amigos vs. Three Caballeros.
· NetfliXperiments Volume 9: They're gonna put me in the movies.
· NetfliXperiments Volume 8: The Jazz Age
· NetfliXperiments Volume 7: TV Daze
· NetfliXperiments Volume 6: Amish Paradise?
· NetfliXperiments Volume 5: Freak Out!
· NetfliXperiments Volume 4: Leprechaun Party!
· NetfliXperiments Volume 3: Rock 'n' Roll Freakshow
· NetfliXperiments Volume 2: Ouch! My Head Hurts--Foreign Films
· NetfliXperiments Volume 1: Highway Horror & Hillbilly Fishermen