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Quote of the day:
"Same old story, boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Years Day." -- Leslie Nielsen (Naked Gun 2 1/2) |
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 Review: Resident Evil
By Jack on March 13, 2002 1:32 PM
Thanks to the Portland Mercury (and various other sponsors) I got to see an advanced screening of Resident Evil with a view obstructed only by a jumping, screaming, pig-tailed head in the lower right hand corner. This is my review:
Release Date: March 15th, 2002 (Friday)
Directed By: Paul W.S. Anderson
Written By: Paul W.S. Anderson
Photography: David Johnson
Starring: Milla Jovovich, Michelle Rodriguez, Eric Mabius (that on guy) and more...
Having only watched others play the game, I won't comment on the film's accuracy in following the game. But Resident Evil, unlike some previous attempts to transfer video games to the big screen (Final Fantasy, Tomb Raider, etc...) really feels like a video game. The plot is your average oversized, evil corporation (Microsoft.. cough.. I mean Umbrella) manufactures an evil virus to be used as a weapon of mass destruction in it's lab called "The Hive" which is controlled by an evil supercomputer nicknamed "Red Queen". The story gets even more interesting when a team of elite (or 31337 for you g33ks) corporate commandos sent to clean up the situation meet up with scantily clad Milla Jovovich who is suffering from memory loss. This is when the evil really kicks in.
Zombies, mutated dobermans, a gilled monster with big claws and one hell of a long tongue begin to fill the screen along with blood, guts and excessive visual explosions in a film you could almost say is redefining slice and dice, action zombie thrillers for about the first 20 minutes... then it just gets old, laughably so. We start getting into subplots involving what we think is a member of the press trying to infiltrate The Hive, as well as his traitorous contact on the inside as well as one other amnesiac with an agenda of his own and so forth.
Resident Evil's production value is top notch with amazing visual effects, fantastic make-up, great set design and topped with a bone-rattling Marylin Manson filled soundtrack it's a pity it gets so silly midway through.
There's really nothing to be said for the acting, would you give Bill Paxton an oscar for Aliens? (game over man, game over!)
Conclusion: Fans of the video game seemed to enjoy this film more then I did. The first 20 minutes were fun but that's about it. If you want to see a brainless blood filled action movie with Milla Jovovich breaking necks between her legs, perhaps this is your film. Final Score: 6.5/10.
Related Movies From Amazon.com: (15% of profits go to the save dtheatre.com fund) Resident Evil: Code Veronica X (Video Game), The Fifth Element (Milla Jovovich IS hot!), Event Horizon (Yeah, Paul Anderson directed R.E. and it's the #3 movie in Iceland (no sh*t!))
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Reader Discussions:
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Milla Jovovich IS all that!
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Posted by Jack (jack@dtheatre.com) on March 14, 2002 1:09 PM
Here's an interesting tiddbit: I just found out that Milla Jovovich did all her own stunts.
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RE: Milla Jovovich IS all that!
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on March 15, 2002 3:13 AM
I always new I liked that bitch for some reason. I love a woman who can kick my ass with style then screw me afterwards.
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RE: Milla Jovovich IS all that!
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on March 15, 2002 3:34 AM
MULTIPASS!
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RE: Milla Jovovich IS all that!
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on March 15, 2002 8:19 PM
Hell Yeah!
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on March 16, 2002 7:24 AM
News flash: not only wouldn't a girl like that give you the time of day, she also wouldn't bother to beat you up either. Probably just get her boyfriend to mop the floor with your sorry ass.
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RE: HA! yourself geek.
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on March 17, 2002 4:50 AM
Oh yeah, thanks for the newsflash nerd nuts. I suppose you think that you can get a chick like that or even a chick at all? Dont put down other peoples fantasies because you are an ugly virgin, you wouldnt have any idea what anyones sex life is like. Sounds like your pathetic ass has been mopped up by some unattainable chicks boyfriend cos you sound really bitter towards my fetish :p
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RE: HA! yourself geek.
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on March 18, 2002 1:36 PM
Nice imagination, loser. Hope it makes your miserable existence more bearable. Why don't you actually kiss a girl for once in your life, then you can mouth off to me.
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RE: HA! yourself geek.
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on March 18, 2002 10:53 PM
You are obviously one ugly mother f*cker to be argueing over who gets more pussy. Its obvious now, dont feel bad, there are plenty of people like you, they are called virgins.
BTW, Im in my 3rd long term relationship and havent been single for over 4 months, so my pussy getting ability is fine thank you. f*cking GEEK!!
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RE: HA! yourself geek.
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on March 19, 2002 2:36 AM
Well whoop-dee f*cking doo.
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RE: HA! yourself geek.
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on March 19, 2002 7:07 AM
Your "pussy getting ability"?? HAHAHA!! If the use of that idiot phrase doesn't prove what a phony you are, nothing does. Go back to bed, junior. Nobody's buying your junk today.
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RE: HA! yourself geek.
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on March 19, 2002 11:07 PM
Yeah whatever you nerds reckon. Dont fall all over yourself trying to down a shemp just cos I have an active sex life. It shows how insecure you are with your own. The only ugly bitches I have ever been with is your mother. Pull your pin dicks out of your computer and go outside or something. After all it all started when somebody got jealous and defensive instead of laughing with me about what I like about Milla. f*cking poor c*nts. Please make it more obvious that You are just a
no pussy getting GEEK!!!
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on March 19, 2002 11:22 PM
Be careful what you say. There are some really geeky virgins on this site who get very defensive when you talk about your desires. They will put you down and say that you dont get any pussy just to make themselves feel better because they are really really insecure.
Have you geeks heard of prostitution? It exists because of you losers, you may as well use it.
Also, I like to get beat up by women too before I have sex with them, and no I dont pay for it.
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on March 20, 2002 3:22 AM
Why is cack spelt cack on here?
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Posted by Moose (moose@dtheatre.com) on March 16, 2002 12:53 AM
Nice Review Jack. I don't usually watch films about games, (I prefer the games only), but your review made me hungry for the silver screen.
One point however, you mentioned "a view obstructed only by a jumping, screaming, pig-tailed head in the lower right hand corner".
Just what were you doing to that poor girl? ;).
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Posted by jace (no) on March 16, 2002 10:33 AM
I think that even though it didn't really follow any game plot, the director is moving it in a way that would be more feesible for a second(absolutely) and third(possibly) sequel. Many critics I have read have complained about a lack of character development. I think this is due to the fact that Alice (Milla Jovavich) is the "main" character and has memory loss. When you have zombies chasing you, you don't sit down to a cup of tea and ask what is your favorite color. The only person we need to know about is Alice and since it is through her point of view, then we will learn when she learns.
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on March 18, 2002 3:35 AM
I don't usually go for movies that have been inspired by video games either but that's probably because of Super Maroi Brothers, Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat and Tomb Raider.
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Posted by Moose (moose@dtheatre.com) on March 19, 2002 12:17 PM
I read on a Swedish site that Resident Evil 2 was all ready to be put in the mixer. All that was needed was a confirmation of the ticket sales volume, for R.E.(1). Yo Jack, what's the score here?
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Posted by Jock (Jock@dtheatre.com) on March 20, 2002 3:25 AM
The score is that you're a f*cking idiot!
HA HA HA HA
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on March 20, 2002 4:21 AM
How did you spell your name? J-O-K-E? Strange............ 'coz you're not funny!
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Posted by Moose (moose@dtheatre.com) on March 20, 2002 4:13 AM
Be nice or I will ask you baby-sitter to turn your computer off.
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on March 20, 2002 6:46 AM
Jesus Christ, what a bunch of whining babies you all are, 'Boo hoo hoo the nasty man I've never met insulted me ' be a man (or woman) and rise above it for God's sake.
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Posted by Moose (moose@dtheatre.com) on March 20, 2002 9:46 AM
Do you really think I care if someone insults me, (or anyone else), on the web? My skin is thicker than that.
I am trying to discuss the contents of this site with others. What I think is strange is that people come here, not for the reviews, but to bad-mouth each other. If this is what is desired here ok. I have tried to avoid conflicts with others here who wish to engage in abuse, but if this is not acceptable here, so be it.
I thought that the point of this site was to discuss films 'n' stuff. Maybe I was wrong. Anybody can come here as a shemp and insult people. You, shemp, said stop whining and take it like a man. The point here is that being a registered user is, in fact, "taking it like a man". Being a shemp and insulting people is pretty wimpy. Go and bother someone else you nameless pu$$y. I would like to discuss serious stuff here, (please!).
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on March 21, 2002 4:33 AM
Now who's insult throwing?
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Posted by Moose (moose@dtheatre.com) on March 21, 2002 8:26 AM
How did this get to be about me? I have only asked to have the freedom to comment whatever I want here and the right to ask people not to engage me in childish abuse. The shemp said "take it like a man, (or woman)", eeeehhhh, WHY? Sure, I can comment as a shemp or another user but Jock (so abviaus!), if you wish me to leave..... just ask!
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on March 22, 2002 2:11 AM
We love you really, please don't leave! We're honoured by your presence oh great one.
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Posted by Moose (moose@dtheatre.com) on March 22, 2002 2:33 AM
Oooh! Is this what's called bonding?
Uuuuh, I love you too man!
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on March 24, 2002 9:10 PM
No, please leave.
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on March 26, 2002 7:49 PM
um. wow. why the hell can't people talk about the actual movie for three days before I start seeing more stars than when I go to the country. a.k.a. * * * * and *** **** ******!!!#(&%$(@)$&(@^^(@!&!@^%^($%)@#&@#(!
Okay look peeps. Calm the F*** down. lol j/k. Take a chill pill and watch the Osbournes. Or go outside and get some human contact. Or do what i came here to do, and learn more about the movie! Speaking of, I'd like to hear more about this Resident Evil 2 if possible.
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on March 26, 2002 7:50 PM
and please-suck much guys?
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Posted by Moose (moose@dtheatre.com) on March 27, 2002 2:50 AM
Thank you Shemp. (I really thought no-one else cared!). I really DO like movies!
R.E.2......... I saw for the first time a trailer and a review on the T.V. It left me grabbing for my joystick. (Take that whichever way you will). There is, I think, a kind of scary presence in the film, as is in the game. I can't wait for the premiere here.
Jack, thanx for the review, I would never have bothered with the film otherwise. (I still dig the games best).
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Posted by Skullfire (skullfire@clarinmail.com) on March 28, 2002 12:35 PM
Am I the only one in the word who thinks that Michelle Rodriguez is OK?
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on March 28, 2002 9:57 PM
No Skully. I would f*ck her too. Shes more than just OK, shes pretty fine. But she looks a bit rough like she would rip your dick off when she screws you.
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I thought R.E. was superb
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on April 17, 2002 10:10 AM
I actually loved every aspect of Resident Evil, which is not the kind of film that I normally see (I don't get out enough, I know - my little sister dragged me to see it while we were in Paris). Milla Jovovich is transparently, almost surreally beautiful, and I thought it was a very well acted assemblage (though a multi-syllable vocabulary might have been nice, most people's conversation is no less tragically limited in real life). There is always a certain predictability about this kind of horror genre, and playing with the cliches is part of the pleasure - hence the respect with which incredibly formulaic writers such as H.P. Lovecraft are greeted by the critical community. For comedic incapacity to mouth lines credibly, there are many many worse "respectable" films (has anyone here seen the disastrously misconceived "K-Pax"?), and there was something delicious about the modernist bleakness of the destroyed office environments. As I said, I don't get out enough...
If Visconti can build a cinematic reputation on the shameless good looks of his cast, I see no reason to belittle Resident Evil for the same wonderful virtue. And finally, I was at the Ballet in London, watching a modernist dance piece ("In the Middle, Somewhat Elevated") and the shattering Techno-brutal score actually WAS the same score as derived from Resident Evil - which came first? Who knows? But if its good enough for the Royal Ballet to dance to, surely we can be a little generous to R.E.
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Posted by LawrenceXL (LawrenceXL@netscape.net) on May 17, 2002 5:45 AM
Michelle Rodriguez is so ugly! what is wrong with you man!?!?!? I dont know how she is able to act!!! Man in F-F she was ulgy then. Man they could of got anyone else for that part. The only way that she could of got in the movie biz is either she knows some one or she gave some pretty good head to a producer. Man anyone that think she is hot, especially for a Latino girl, needs to get more. I dont know how she got in Resident Evil but im glad that she will not be the second.
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on April 25, 2002 2:42 AM
OH you pissin nobheads bickering on computers...."my sex lifes better than yours...blah blah pissin blah" i felt compelled to tell you how gay you all sound, yup all of u aint funny just annoying. go away u imbred mutha f**kers!
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on April 25, 2002 2:45 AM
resi evil rocks, your all gay, bring on your pathetic little jibes, im ready!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Posted by A random shemp (No Email) on April 2, 2003 2:14 PM
hah, your the one who actually took the time to reply on the post about the rodriguez thing, yeah she might give good head but hey she's makin more money than you are..and in a popular movie title..so guy have sex with some chick and die of syphlis already
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