Van Helsing, Van Shmelsing?

By Aaron on 2004-04-21 11:52:26

So in a few weeks the American public will be assaulted by the latest Steven Sommers' blockbuster, Van Helsing. Like the he did with the Mummy, Sommers has created a hip and fresh monster movie. And, like the Mummy I will groan the entire time I watch it. Okay, so maybe the Mummy wasn?t that bad. Sure it was brainless and not the least bit scary but I didn?t feel like I had tossed $8.50 down the drain. And, let me thank the powers that be at this time that I got free passes to The Mummy Returns!

Van Helsing doesn?t look like it?s shaping up to be all that entertaining, even in the mindless way. Case in point: As I say to watch the highly entertaining and fun Hellboy I was privy to the new Van Helsing trailer. A trailer I might add that gives away the ENTIRE FRIGGEN PLOT! I don?t need to see the movie. I know all there is to know now. I promise to not speak of the spoilers given in the trailer, but those who have seen it know exactly what I am talking about. ?But Aaron, what about the awesome effects in the trailer? Surely you want to see those? Maybe, but I just can?t fork over my hard earned cash for some pretty CGI. Got burned by the last two Matrix movies, ain?t gonna? happen again thank you very much!

Granted, I haven?t seen one frame of the final film and so all my ranting may be for nothing?but I kinda? doubt it.

What has any of the above rambling got to do with rubber masks? Plenty my friend, plenty!

Universal in an attempt to garner interest in Van Helsing has re-issued the classic monster movies onto DVD. Bela as Dracula, Boris as Frankenstein?s Monster, and Lon as the Wolf-Man! For this long time horror movie fan it doesn?t get any better then this. ?I know they?ve been released before, but never in this pretty of a set. For less then $100 we get nine, count them, nine movies and some really sweet busts of my favorite monsters! Gonna? look great next to my Monster Squad poster! Come April 27th I will be at my favorite movie retailer, copy in hand.

The classic monster movies had a heart that is sorely lacking in the current crop of monster films, the few which get made. Note that I don?t lump your Leatherface?s and Freddy?s in the listing of monster movies. They are a completely separate genre and it isn?t fair to compare them. I don?t care what happens to Leatherface or Freddy, but I sure as hell care about the fates of Dracula, The Creature, or the pitiful Wolf-Man. These are living (kinda?), breathing (sorta?) people that are deserving of my interest. Even the actors hearken back to a day when melodrama wasn?t clich? and mocked. Open your mind and let you imagination wander as Bela?s hands sweep across the face of his beautiful victim; your heart will quicken. Feel Boris? loneliness when he realizes that no one can or will be his friend. Allow yourself to tear up when Lon asks his own brother to put him down, choosing death over a fate he never wanted nor deserved. The Universal Monsters are tragedies in the most classic of sense. True, the monsters do evil acts and must be punished, but it is always with an air of sorrow.

If you can?t afford the box set, the DVDs will be made available as single titles. If you can?t bring yourself to purchase them, at least drop the $2.50 for a rental. The little child inside you that still hides under the covers will thank you?

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